There are the victorious weeks, where we are sailing freely over life's beautiful ocean waves, where looking into her blue eyes I see a wondrous color with goodness as sweet as the salt air. And then there are days, dismal days and weeks where I simply want to sail alone, where I want to hear only the melodic crash of the waves, and not hear or see her.
One of my friends today told me that she could never believe I ever yell or get angry, and that she was so proud of the fact that I could live with my mother-in-law. I revealed the truth to her -- that indeed, I do have a terrible temper and that the only way I survive is by praying. I beg God for patience daily. This she could not believe, and laughed as if I was joking.
But I was not. In truth I can be a terrible person, with a terrible temper. A terrible person who might wonder at times why am I living this way and when will it end. Then, as quick as a wave recedes, another side of me grabs those thoughts, those words in the air and says, 'forgive me.' Those words are then repeated, a hundred times on many days.
On these days, I consider what triggers my angry reactions. She is no longer as snide and proud and venomous as she was in the beginning years, and yet somehow I have become not as patient, loving, caring. One day I identified the fact that I did not like her watching me cook and subsequently commenting on how I slice onions, for example. Another day, it irked me that she asked me what time I was leaving to drop off one of the children to an appointment. I needed to place myself in her position. Perhaps instead of being a back-seat cook she was actually trying to convey kitchen tips. Perhaps instead of being authoritarian she was actually trying to be concerned about my schedule of pick-up and drop-off driving duties.
Only God knows anyone's intentions. For now, I am taking long, deep breaths. I am preparing for an upcoming visit to spend time with my own mother. I am enjoying every minute with my husband and children, that gives me solace. And I am continuing to pray for patience, acknowledging that what I am doing is not only good and right, but also necessary.
